1
00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:04,671
They can't be that hard
to find.

2
00:00:04,755 --> 00:00:06,673
They're throwing stars
but they're made of wood.

3
00:00:06,757 --> 00:00:08,550
We're in an attic, sir.
There's a lot of wood.

4
00:00:08,634 --> 00:00:10,093
But, like,
George Washington wood.

5
00:00:10,177 --> 00:00:11,220
Cherry. Like his teeth
and left nipple.

6
00:00:11,303 --> 00:00:13,013
Sorry. His left what?

7
00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:15,057
There were some things
he could tell a lie about.

8
00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:17,059
But he could also carve
a throwing star more lethal

9
00:00:17,142 --> 00:00:18,727
than most guns,

10
00:00:18,810 --> 00:00:20,020
which is a perfect point
to make at this seminar

11
00:00:20,103 --> 00:00:21,772
for at-risk youth.

12
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:23,440
Do at-risk youth
attend a lot of seminars?

13
00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:25,817
Less problematizing,
more robot- eyes'ing.

14
00:00:25,901 --> 00:00:27,528
I thought I'd find
you guys here...

15
00:00:27,611 --> 00:00:28,987
because I surveilled
you entering.

16
00:00:29,071 --> 00:00:30,531
Are those hot wings?

17
00:00:30,614 --> 00:00:32,698
For me, yes. You, no.
Excuse me?

18
00:00:32,783 --> 00:00:34,493
I'm your boss
and the goddamn president.

19
00:00:34,576 --> 00:00:37,246
Executive order, bitch.
Fucking Christ! O'Doyle!

20
00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:39,456
These would kill you, sir.

21
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:41,291
My half-leprechaun stomach
can digest molten metals.

22
00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:44,044
My male brain can only hear
that as a challenge!

23
00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:46,129
I understand what you mean,
but it doesn't apply to this.

24
00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:48,549
It's actual poison.
Must...eat...

25
00:00:48,632 --> 00:00:50,300
lethal...chicken.

26
00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:52,636
Garbage. See?

27
00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:54,763
It's garbage now.
That's true.

28
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:56,390
I can't eat
out of the garbage.

29
00:00:56,473 --> 00:00:58,016
That would be less alpha.
Whoa.

30
00:00:58,100 --> 00:01:01,603
$15 million from Jefferson
to Napoleon for...

31
00:01:01,687 --> 00:01:03,355
Louisiana? Damn, Banks.

32
00:01:03,438 --> 00:01:05,524
You found the receipt
for the Louisiana Purchase?

33
00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:07,859
People have been asking to see
this for 200 years.

34
00:01:07,943 --> 00:01:09,778
All French people,
but still.

35
00:01:09,861 --> 00:01:11,488
Wait, we bought Louisiana
from France?

36
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:12,614
Oh!

37
00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:14,741
I just now got the accent.

38
00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:16,785
Huh-huh-huh!

39
00:01:16,868 --> 00:01:18,495
So I didn't go to college.

40
00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:19,913
Or grade school?

41
00:01:19,997 --> 00:01:21,039
Is that where you learned
to be mean?!

42
00:01:21,123 --> 00:01:22,332
Not just Louisiana, O'Doyle.

43
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:23,875
It was the whole territory.

44
00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:25,669
How big, Banks?
Like half of America?

45
00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,754
15 states.
Damn!

46
00:01:27,838 --> 00:01:29,423
Those are
state-sized states, too.

47
00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:31,049
They may have invented sex,

48
00:01:31,133 --> 00:01:32,551
but that's the day
France got royally...

49
00:01:32,634 --> 00:01:33,884
You almost sound
proud of it.

50
00:01:33,969 --> 00:01:35,137
I can't root
for the home team?

51
00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:36,680
You know
what Jefferson said --

52
00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:37,848
"Desperate times make
for great deals."

53
00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:39,808
What's this part
down here?

54
00:01:39,890 --> 00:01:41,393
Looks like Napoleon scribbled
a little somethin'-somethin'.

55
00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:42,978
"Oh, and one more thing --

56
00:01:43,061 --> 00:01:44,438
You are forbidden
from entering the cave

57
00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:45,939
in the third Rocky Mountain."

58
00:01:46,023 --> 00:01:47,482
It's initialed
by Jefferson.

59
00:01:47,566 --> 00:01:49,651
Third from the left?
Third rockiest?

60
00:01:49,735 --> 00:01:50,944
Third mountainest?
Good thing we'll never know.

61
00:01:51,027 --> 00:01:52,487
It's forbidden.

62
00:01:52,571 --> 00:01:54,197
So you root
for the home team,

63
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:55,991
but you're okay being told
by a foreign dictator

64
00:01:56,074 --> 00:01:57,868
there's a part of your country
you're not allowed in?

65
00:01:57,951 --> 00:01:59,745
I'm not allowed in a lot
of the country, Banks.

66
00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:02,080
Pilot lounges. The actual horse
part of the horse track.

67
00:02:02,164 --> 00:02:03,749
Everyone's home.

68
00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:05,667
My job is to leave the stuff
that's working alone.

69
00:02:05,751 --> 00:02:07,419
It's called respecting
the legacy of --

70
00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:10,631
George Washington's
throwing stars!

71
00:02:10,714 --> 00:02:13,383
Ooh! There's one
for each original colony!

72
00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:16,803
Delaware! Virginia!
Rhode Island! Damn.

73
00:02:16,887 --> 00:02:20,223
The only thing those youths are
at risk of is losing their shit.

74
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,465
What's up, guys?
I'm Amil Bhattam.

75
00:02:53,548 --> 00:02:54,841
And today
we're getting to the bottom

76
00:02:54,925 --> 00:02:56,635
of Lincoln's hat.

77
00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:58,553
More specifically,
the groundswell of support

78
00:02:58,637 --> 00:03:01,098
to add a top hat to Lincoln's
head on Mount Rushmore.

79
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:02,891
First up,
we got Senator Hapkins,

80
00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:05,227
primary sponsor
of the 4-score bill,

81
00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:06,436
as well as Martin Popple,

82
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,355
leader
of the Hats Off movement.

83
00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:10,190
Sarah, why exactly do you want
to add

84
00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:12,317
a 20-story granite hat
to Lincoln's head?

85
00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:13,944
Well, it was Lincoln
who once said,

86
00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:16,613
"Give me a hat
with such strength of brim,

87
00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:18,615
the whole world can rest
peacefully and dine."

88
00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:19,950
Which is, of course,
why we're adding

89
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,493
a rotating restaurant
to the brim.

90
00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:23,078
Oh-kayy.
Sarah is clearly

91
00:03:23,161 --> 00:03:25,329
just spouting
Hatter propaganda.
Ha!

92
00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:27,457
Oh, so we should pretend
Lincoln didn't have a hat?

93
00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,209
You're defacing
a national monument

94
00:03:29,292 --> 00:03:31,211
to sell hat merch and
beard-shaped beignets!

95
00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:32,462
Lincoln would hate you!

96
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,423
He would hate yo--

97
00:03:34,506 --> 00:03:36,049
Another moment alone with my
thoughts successfully avoided.

98
00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:41,096
Alright, Banks.
Be on alert. Head on a swivel.

99
00:03:41,179 --> 00:03:42,430
It's up to you,
and only you,

100
00:03:42,514 --> 00:03:44,015
to figure out
what the French are hid--

101
00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:46,351
Oh, come on, guys!
What the fuck?

102
00:03:46,435 --> 00:03:48,645
- Oh, hey, Banks.
- Your stealth game is weak.

103
00:03:48,728 --> 00:03:50,021
What the hell are
you guys doing here?

104
00:03:50,105 --> 00:03:52,023
I thought you wanted
to leave this alone!

105
00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:53,650
And I thought you'd listen to
me, but, of course, you didn't.

106
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:54,609
O'Doyle saw you putting on
the squirrel suit

107
00:03:54,692 --> 00:03:55,444
in the locker room.

108
00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:56,903
You ratted on me?!

109
00:03:56,987 --> 00:03:58,280
We did a whole thing
about that last week.

110
00:03:58,363 --> 00:03:59,698
We resolved it.

111
00:03:59,781 --> 00:04:01,575
Yeah,
but I still owed you a rat-out.

112
00:04:01,658 --> 00:04:02,951
Now we're even.
He's the one who keeps
cutting the doughnuts

113
00:04:03,034 --> 00:04:04,327
into pieces
in the break room.

114
00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:05,996
You dick! Back to not even!
O'Doyle!

115
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:07,539
Either eat it or don't.

116
00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:09,332
Stop trying to turn
a doughnut into a pizza.

117
00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:10,417
Besides, Banks,
look around.

118
00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:11,877
There's nothing here

119
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,670
but etchings
of shoulders and ankles.

120
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:15,505
It was probably just
Napoleon's jerk-off cave.

121
00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:16,673
Look out!

122
00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:23,472
C'est moi, Napoleon.

123
00:04:23,555 --> 00:04:25,098
What in the hell?

124
00:04:25,182 --> 00:04:27,017
I guess Napoleon was
into One-Eyed Willy tech?

125
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,102
"It's me, Napoleon.

126
00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:31,730
You thought you screwed us,
but we screwed you.

127
00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:35,192
You broke our agreement, so I
am declaring Frontier Forfeit."

128
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,194
What's Frontier Forfeit?
"A well-known law

129
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:39,446
that allows the seller
to reclaim their land

130
00:04:39,529 --> 00:04:40,697
after a contract breach.

131
00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:42,365
That's right, Jefferson.

132
00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:44,075
I am taking back
the Louisiana Territory.

133
00:04:44,159 --> 00:04:46,077
And you can't stop me,
because you'll be dead.

134
00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:46,953
Syphilis bomb!"

135
00:04:54,002 --> 00:04:56,630
Anti-syphilis pill?
Anti-syphilis pill?

136
00:04:56,713 --> 00:04:58,256
So Napoleon tried
to kill Jefferson

137
00:04:58,340 --> 00:04:59,800
and take back
the territory?

138
00:04:59,883 --> 00:05:01,551
Wow, the guy
who conquered all of Europe

139
00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:03,178
tried to reclaim land
and kill a guy.

140
00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:04,971
Move over, Watergate!

141
00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:06,598
Should we destroy the evidence,
sir?

142
00:05:06,681 --> 00:05:08,558
What? No. That would actually
make it feel like Watergate.

143
00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:11,269
I don't know what that is.

144
00:05:11,353 --> 00:05:14,231
Okay, big deal. So I didn't see
one Kevin Costner movie.

145
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:16,149
You mean "Waterworld"?
Whatever. Let's bail.

146
00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:17,651
And, O'Doyle,
pack up one

147
00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:19,110
of those ankle etchings
for my, uh...

148
00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:20,695
personal collection.

149
00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:49,034
IT'S TIME.

150
00:06:51,036 --> 00:06:52,287
LONG LIVE NAPOLEON!

151
00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:55,290
Sir, I know I can be an even
better Secret Service agent

152
00:06:55,373 --> 00:06:56,625
now that I'm a werewolf.

153
00:06:56,707 --> 00:06:58,043
I've got the tech,
I've got the drive.

154
00:06:58,126 --> 00:06:59,711
We tried
to make you a part of the team

155
00:06:59,794 --> 00:07:01,546
and you ate a guy's leg!
But not his head!

156
00:07:01,630 --> 00:07:03,673
That has to count
for something!

157
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:06,635
Sir, I have Marc Luc de Bergeron
on the line.

158
00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:09,804
He's the head of France's Real
Estate Acquisitions Department.

159
00:07:09,888 --> 00:07:11,765
Real Estate Acquisitions?

160
00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:14,142
This is President Curtis.

161
00:07:14,225 --> 00:07:16,144
What can I do for you, Marc Luc?

162
00:07:16,227 --> 00:07:19,522
A great question, Mr. President.
What can you do for us?

163
00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:22,150
I just wanted to notify you
that France is...

164
00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:24,611
interested in American land.

165
00:07:24,694 --> 00:07:27,405
In case we should need
legal...documentation --

166
00:07:27,489 --> 00:07:30,033
Sorry. Connection bad.
What the hell?

167
00:07:30,116 --> 00:07:31,660
"To legally initiate
Frontier Forfeit,

168
00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:33,161
a representative
of the former seller

169
00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:34,621
must notify
the current landholder --"

170
00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:35,914
Fucking English!

171
00:07:35,997 --> 00:07:37,248
They know we broke
the agreement!

172
00:07:37,332 --> 00:07:39,125
Oh, God damn it!
Wait, Napoleon's dead.

173
00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:40,585
How can he still have
a claim to that land?

174
00:07:40,669 --> 00:07:42,170
His penis.
What?

175
00:07:42,253 --> 00:07:43,922
According to
1800s Napoleonic Code,

176
00:07:44,005 --> 00:07:46,174
all you needed to be
a French citizen was a dick,

177
00:07:46,257 --> 00:07:48,843
so technically,
Napoleon's penis is Napoleon.

178
00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:50,512
It was actually
America's law, too,

179
00:07:50,595 --> 00:07:51,596
until they realized
women live longer than men

180
00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,014
and, thus, pay more taxes.

181
00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:54,683
- That tracks.
- Wait, they can reclaim

182
00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:56,558
the entire Louisiana Territory
with his penis?

183
00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:58,353
If they bring it
to a U.S. court

184
00:07:58,436 --> 00:08:00,438
and certify it as a citizen,
yeah.

185
00:08:00,522 --> 00:08:02,190
What the fuck, man?

186
00:08:02,273 --> 00:08:04,359
The good news --
His penis is still in the wind.

187
00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:06,027
It passed through black market
art circles in New Orleans

188
00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:08,238
a few years back,
and no one has seen it since.

189
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:09,531
If it's in the shadows
of Louisiana,

190
00:08:09,614 --> 00:08:11,116
I know a guy
who can find it.

191
00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:12,200
Banks, get the chopper.

192
00:08:12,283 --> 00:08:13,535
O'Doyle, get the cooler.

193
00:08:13,618 --> 00:08:14,828
And, Chomps, don't even ask.

194
00:08:14,911 --> 00:08:16,538
Sir. Let me be a werewolf
for good.

195
00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:18,498
Why? So you can eat
my innocent legs next?

196
00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:20,709
Hell no.
You two, let's roll!

197
00:08:26,715 --> 00:08:28,508
God, I'd hate to
actually be able to see in here.

198
00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:29,509
Shh!

199
00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:33,513
Vampire! Stand back!

200
00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:36,725
I'm gonna eat you
like the cattle you are.

201
00:08:36,808 --> 00:08:39,894
I'll make you pray for sunrise,
you bloodsucking bastard.

202
00:08:42,688 --> 00:08:43,982
Well, we got 'em!

203
00:08:44,065 --> 00:08:45,150
We got them so good!

204
00:08:45,233 --> 00:08:46,484
What the hell?

205
00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:50,739
Don't worry, guys.
This is Salem Montgomery.

206
00:08:50,822 --> 00:08:52,240
These guys have helped
every American president

207
00:08:52,323 --> 00:08:54,284
since Washington.
Be honest.

208
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,869
Did you believe
we were gonna fight?

209
00:08:55,952 --> 00:08:57,037
He texted me to make
sure we got it right.

210
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,705
He texted you
about this?

211
00:08:58,788 --> 00:09:00,623
Monty, we're in a hurry,
so I'll cut to the chase.

212
00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:02,292
We're looking
for Napoleon's penis.

213
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:05,545
Black market deal, bought
by a very wealthy collector.

214
00:09:05,628 --> 00:09:07,839
Why do you want it?
None of your business, leech.

215
00:09:07,922 --> 00:09:10,133
O'Doyle, don't be a dick.
Just show him the stuff.

216
00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:12,802
Elsie.

217
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:15,847
An off-grid atheistic sex cult
died in a freak avalanche.

218
00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:18,683
The snow preserved their blood
at a perfect 28 degrees.

219
00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:21,436
We're talking rare,
nondenominational O-negative.

220
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,732
Half now, half after
you help us secure the penis.

221
00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:27,859
You've got yourself a deal,
Andre.

222
00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:28,818
Eat up, boys!

223
00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:35,533
So, they have straws
in their teeth?
What?

224
00:09:35,617 --> 00:09:37,035
I thought they drank blood
with their mouths,

225
00:09:37,118 --> 00:09:38,995
but they're like snakes
with straw teeth?

226
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:42,207
I was more distracted by their
weird orgasm noises, but yes.

227
00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:43,500
Straw teeth.

228
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:45,126
Shoot me.
Come on, dummy.

229
00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:47,420
Bet you can't hit me.
You bet me?

230
00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:49,798
With what money?
I bet you'll miss.

231
00:09:49,881 --> 00:09:51,424
Dr. Finch?

232
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:53,259
Alan Chomps!
Hey, how's the moon collar?

233
00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:54,636
Eh, not great.

234
00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:56,012
I ate
a construction worker's legs.

235
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,014
We were fighting
No shit.
these pod people

236
00:09:58,098 --> 00:09:59,557
and the wolf in me just...

237
00:09:59,641 --> 00:10:00,975
well, lost track
of who was on our side.

238
00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:02,977
Aw! Assertive Attack Mode.

239
00:10:03,061 --> 00:10:04,354
My old nemesis.

240
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:05,814
See, when a werewolf
senses danger,

241
00:10:05,897 --> 00:10:07,899
its sole drive becomes
protecting the pack,

242
00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:09,359
innocent bystanders
be damned.

243
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:10,777
Lie down, pal.

244
00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:12,737
I just want to be
a werewolf for good.

245
00:10:12,821 --> 00:10:15,740
Hey, with Finch, you're gonna
be a werewolf for great.

246
00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:19,077
There's your penis,
Mr. President --

247
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,746
inside the private collection
of Armand Russo.

248
00:10:21,830 --> 00:10:23,790
Napoleon's penis is
in his Famous Organs Wing,

249
00:10:23,873 --> 00:10:26,584
next to Tutankhamun's brain
and Bette Davis' eyes.

250
00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:28,503
Why are the lights off?
Are we breaking in?

251
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:29,879
Oh, of course we are.
Why am I asking?

252
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,965
Because you're a narc
at heart, Banks.

253
00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:33,675
Now hack in and bring
down their security system.

254
00:10:33,758 --> 00:10:35,093
What? Just have
the vampires run in there fast.

255
00:10:35,176 --> 00:10:36,803
Ugh, fine. Monty?

256
00:10:36,886 --> 00:10:38,263
You up for a quick
smash-and-grab?

257
00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:39,639
Sorry,
but we need to be invited in.

258
00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:41,099
Oh, my God.

259
00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:44,060
Who the hell is that?!

260
00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:49,524
Vive Napoleon!
Au pénis!

261
00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:50,650
She yelled
"to the penis."

262
00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:51,901
Thanks so much, Banks.

263
00:10:54,863 --> 00:10:56,406
Aaaahh!

264
00:10:59,075 --> 00:11:01,452
See? They don't have a problem
breaking in!

265
00:11:01,536 --> 00:11:03,371
They're working together!
What is this?

266
00:11:03,454 --> 00:11:04,998
Get off my property --

267
00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:05,915
Aghh!

268
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,667
Vive Napoleon!

269
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:09,169
You three,
go get the penis!

270
00:11:09,252 --> 00:11:10,503
Monty and I
will hold them off!

271
00:11:10,587 --> 00:11:11,921
But, sir,
she's a hemogoblin!

272
00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:13,214
I can hear you, dick!

273
00:11:13,298 --> 00:11:14,841
Just do it!

274
00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:16,968
Elsie, do you want
to come inside? Let's go.

275
00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:20,096
There it is!

276
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:21,848
Huh-huh! Vive Napoleon!

277
00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:27,228
Ha!

278
00:11:27,312 --> 00:11:28,938
Aah!

279
00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:31,065
Allez!

280
00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:34,360
Ha ha ha ha.
Huh-huh-huh-huh.

281
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,157
Elsie! Damn, girl.

282
00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:41,409
I got it! I got the penis!

283
00:11:41,492 --> 00:11:42,577
Correction --

284
00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:44,204
J'ai le pénis.

285
00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:50,460
Mauvaise conception!
Mauvaise conception!

286
00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:55,298
Pretty quick reflexes
for a piece of shit.

287
00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:02,847
L'Amérique
va plier le genou!

288
00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:04,474
I don't speak French,
but I assume you're saying

289
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:05,892
I have a small dick!

290
00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:07,393
Aah!

291
00:12:11,856 --> 00:12:13,608
We got it!
We got the penis!

292
00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:15,735
It's over.
The penis is ours.

293
00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:16,819
And so is
the damn territory.

294
00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:18,321
Tie her up, O'Doyle.

295
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:19,906
And, Monty,
classy, as always.

296
00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:21,616
Really earned the payment
this time.

297
00:12:21,699 --> 00:12:23,201
Indeed, we have.

298
00:12:24,369 --> 00:12:25,745
What's that hiss?

299
00:12:25,828 --> 00:12:27,956
That's the only language
you Americans speak --

300
00:12:28,039 --> 00:12:29,540
laser dots and money!

301
00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:31,125
The hell
are you talking about?

302
00:12:31,209 --> 00:12:33,586
Jefferson promised us
free reign in Louisiana

303
00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:35,880
if we helped him secure
the territory.

304
00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:37,799
And then
he Zuckerberg'd us!

305
00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:39,717
Split the land into states

306
00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:42,553
and squished Louisiana
down into this goddamn boot!

307
00:12:42,637 --> 00:12:44,305
We can't even leave
without being invited in

308
00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:46,766
to other states.

309
00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:50,270
Thankfully, Commandant Dulac
made us a better deal.

310
00:12:50,353 --> 00:12:51,521
Un plaisir, Montgomery.

311
00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:53,273
Oh, this is great.

312
00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:55,149
They're also working
with the French?!

313
00:12:55,233 --> 00:12:57,610
We help get this penis
certified in court,

314
00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:59,279
and they'll give us free reign

315
00:12:59,362 --> 00:13:02,031
when Louisiana reverts back
to full size.

316
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,866
We'll eat the tourists
like cattle

317
00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:06,494
and we can finally see
Nebraska!

318
00:13:06,577 --> 00:13:08,204
Monty,
I was counting on you!

319
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,873
Desperate times
make for great deals.

320
00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:11,874
Ugh.

321
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,418
À la victoire!

322
00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:15,003
Ha ha!

323
00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:18,631
Dishonest
moon-tanning sluts!

324
00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:20,675
That is the last time
I text a vampire.

325
00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:21,801
You're right about that.

326
00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:27,724
Before you say anything, I had
no idea about the double cross.

327
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,559
Those guys
don't tell me shit.

328
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:32,270
Oh, good. The vampire
who's not in the group chat.

329
00:13:32,353 --> 00:13:33,688
Lucky us.

330
00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:37,734
Alright.
That should do it.

331
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,068
I modified your collar with a
short-range Innocence Detector.

332
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:41,029
What's that?

333
00:13:41,112 --> 00:13:42,822
It's kinda right there
in the name, but okay.

334
00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:44,782
If you try to attack
an innocent being,

335
00:13:44,866 --> 00:13:47,493
the collar will auto-flush
with this werewolf suppressant.

336
00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:50,538
And fun bonus --
It's chicken-and-rice-flavored.

337
00:13:50,621 --> 00:13:52,123
Hold on, I'm getting a call.

338
00:13:52,206 --> 00:13:54,083
It's probably my wife, Nina.
Oh, scratch that.

339
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,626
Second best.
It's the president.

340
00:13:55,710 --> 00:13:57,462
Go for Chomps.

341
00:13:57,545 --> 00:14:00,006
The French got the penis
and vampires betrayed us.

342
00:14:00,089 --> 00:14:01,841
Jefferson screwed us.
What?!
It's a whole thing.

343
00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:04,052
America needs you
to be a werewolf for good.

344
00:14:04,135 --> 00:14:05,762
I will not let you down,
sir.

345
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,597
Great!
Because we're pretty fucked.

346
00:14:08,806 --> 00:14:10,558
Banks, do you have a hairpin
and three pennies?

347
00:14:13,728 --> 00:14:15,355
What the hell
are you doing?

348
00:14:15,438 --> 00:14:17,231
His leprechaun stomach
is like a furnace or something!

349
00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:19,233
It can digest metal
and make cool shit.

350
00:14:21,778 --> 00:14:22,737
Mm...

351
00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:24,364
Brass alloy.

352
00:14:24,447 --> 00:14:26,366
So I can make wood-tipped
bullets for your friends.

353
00:14:28,159 --> 00:14:29,994
Is he always this weird?
Usually.

354
00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:31,829
You betrayed
your own people.

355
00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:33,247
To save
your ungrateful ass.

356
00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:34,749
Twice, by the way.

357
00:14:34,832 --> 00:14:36,417
Saved your ass twice,
but who's counting?

358
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:38,086
You, obviously.

359
00:14:38,169 --> 00:14:39,754
Listen,
if they can throw away loyalties

360
00:14:39,837 --> 00:14:42,215
that easily,
they aren't my people.

361
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:46,636
I appreciate...

362
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,096
saving...

363
00:14:48,179 --> 00:14:49,639
Just give me the blood.
Please take it.

364
00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:57,772
Hey.
Can I help you guys?

365
00:14:57,855 --> 00:14:59,565
Please, invite us in.

366
00:14:59,649 --> 00:15:01,442
Do you want to come in?

367
00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:02,944
It doesn't work like that.

368
00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,279
You need to invite us in
so we can see the judge.

369
00:15:05,363 --> 00:15:07,740
You -- You want the judge
to invite you in?

370
00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:09,158
I mean, sure.

371
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:10,785
Why would
he come out here?

372
00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:12,453
That's weird.
You're the one who pitched it.

373
00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:15,123
Look, we just need
the judge to slam down his gavel

374
00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:18,251
and declare this penis a citizen
capable of owning land.

375
00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:21,379
Yep, the gavel slam
can do that.

376
00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:23,214
Sorry. Did you want me
to do something?

377
00:15:23,297 --> 00:15:24,882
I'm still confused.

378
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:29,762
I think you'll find clarity
on your neck.

379
00:15:29,846 --> 00:15:31,722
H-How am I supposed
to look at my own neck?

380
00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:34,809
Huh. Hang on.
No clarity yet.

381
00:15:34,892 --> 00:15:36,686
Alright, ya meat-muncher.

382
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:37,687
You are good to go.

383
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,188
Ooh, a scratching post!

384
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:40,690
Oh, also, Dribble has
this show

385
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,400
that just streams raw meat.

386
00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:44,152
Go nuts, big boy.

387
00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:57,165
Oh, man.
Why did you kill the guard?

388
00:15:57,248 --> 00:15:59,417
He brought me outside. I
thought that's what you wanted.

389
00:16:01,252 --> 00:16:02,545
Oh, God, who is that?

390
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:05,006
People with even less patience
than us.

391
00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:06,757
Ha!
Okay, okay. Geez.

392
00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:09,802
Just give me
the subject in question!

393
00:16:09,886 --> 00:16:11,345
Uh, right.

394
00:16:11,429 --> 00:16:13,931
The court hereby
declares this penis a citizen,

395
00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:15,683
fully capable
of holding land.

396
00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:17,768
In accordance
with outdoor judge rules,

397
00:16:17,852 --> 00:16:19,395
I simply need to bang down
this gavel

398
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:20,438
on the hood of a car.

399
00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:21,063
Aah!

400
00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:22,440
Gavel's down.

401
00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:24,734
Alright, everyone!
Move, move, move!

402
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:26,360
Aim for their hearts!

403
00:16:26,444 --> 00:16:28,029
God damn it.

404
00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:30,031
Protéger le pénis!

405
00:16:30,114 --> 00:16:31,532
Okay, definitely bringing these
to the seminar.

406
00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:33,075
See? It's motivational.

407
00:16:36,787 --> 00:16:38,372
Ha! Ha ha!

408
00:16:39,957 --> 00:16:41,042
Uhh!

409
00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:46,130
Ah-aah-aah! Aah-aah!

410
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:48,674
Ha!

411
00:16:48,758 --> 00:16:50,301
Well, well, well.

412
00:16:50,384 --> 00:16:52,470
Fuck off, Tony.
You think I'm scared?

413
00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:54,222
You can't turn me
and you can't bite me.

414
00:16:54,305 --> 00:16:57,141
Oh, but I can do
a little stakey-stakey.

415
00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:01,020
Perks of being
on my good side.

416
00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:04,232
Oh, man! Someone
cut them all up into pieces.

417
00:17:04,315 --> 00:17:06,358
And you know
their fingers touched it.

418
00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:08,819
Michael in Accounting!
Whatchu watchin', bro-ham?

419
00:17:08,903 --> 00:17:10,613
I'll tell you what
I'm not watching --

420
00:17:10,695 --> 00:17:12,031
ads!

421
00:17:12,114 --> 00:17:13,782
Ever since I upgraded
to Dribble Pro.

422
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:15,826
No ads, no problems.

423
00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:17,118
Ruh-oh.

424
00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:19,121
Uh, why'd
you just say "ruh-oh"?

425
00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:21,123
Because I put on a show
with raw meat for a werewolf

426
00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:22,500
and it might play ads.

427
00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:23,626
Ruh-oh.

428
00:17:26,671 --> 00:17:28,881
Is your puppy cold in the snow?

429
00:17:28,965 --> 00:17:30,633
Try Puppy Pals' Paw Booties.

430
00:17:30,716 --> 00:17:33,261
Because innocent paws deserve
to be pampered.

431
00:17:35,638 --> 00:17:37,139
Oh, oh, oh! Oh, gee.

432
00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:39,350
Oh, oh, man! Whoa!

433
00:17:39,433 --> 00:17:42,311
Frappez votre marteau de juge
sur le capot de la voiture.

434
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:44,564
Idiot! He can't slam
his gavel on that.
Huh?

435
00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:46,148
It needs to be
on a car.

436
00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:48,025
Outdoor judge rules.

437
00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:50,403
Espèce d'enfoiré,
tu l'as cassé!

438
00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:52,488
What are you gonna do, Monty?
Huh?

439
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:53,739
Turn me into a vampire?

440
00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:55,199
Yeah, you wish.

441
00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:57,827
You'd be the lamest,
tackiest vampire...

442
00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,328
sparkling
in the sun-level shit.

443
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:00,621
I'd be cringing.

444
00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:01,956
Oh, but these guys
are cool?

445
00:18:02,039 --> 00:18:03,374
If this is the crew

446
00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:05,459
you chose to turn, yikes.

447
00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:08,045
You couldn't pull off the
frilly shirts and you know it!

448
00:18:08,129 --> 00:18:10,965
You have no idea
what I could pull off.

449
00:18:11,048 --> 00:18:12,216
Why are you smiling?

450
00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:13,968
Release the wolf.

451
00:18:16,846 --> 00:18:18,306
Jesus Christ.

452
00:18:18,389 --> 00:18:19,599
Was that supposed
to be a demonstration

453
00:18:19,682 --> 00:18:20,516
of how ruthless you are?

454
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,184
Yes. Did it work?

455
00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:25,146
See?
This is exactly why you'd suck

456
00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:26,314
at being a vampire.

457
00:18:26,397 --> 00:18:28,024
Of all the presidents I've seen,

458
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,817
you have to be the worst!

459
00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:31,402
Coming from your lying,
cheating, Anne Rice-looking ass,

460
00:18:31,485 --> 00:18:32,820
I take that
as a compliment.

461
00:18:32,903 --> 00:18:35,364
I'd rather eat turds
than be like you.

462
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:37,325
I'll show you turds!

463
00:18:41,245 --> 00:18:42,663
Put a cross into a crossbow.

464
00:18:42,747 --> 00:18:44,540
Thankfully there was
a church right here.

465
00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:47,084
I'm surprised you didn't use
that element more in the fight.

466
00:18:47,168 --> 00:18:49,378
Chomps, holy shit!
You survived!

467
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:51,172
Well, I did actually die,
but I focused

468
00:18:51,255 --> 00:18:53,549
my werewolf regeneration
into my arm bones.

469
00:18:58,888 --> 00:19:00,556
If you two are ever
in New Orleans again,

470
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:01,641
drop me a line.

471
00:19:01,724 --> 00:19:03,476
I'll be alive...
kinda forever.

472
00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:06,020
And, uh, if you ever want
to see D.C...

473
00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:07,521
you're invited in.

474
00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:08,939
To every part
that isn't the White House.

475
00:19:09,023 --> 00:19:10,816
Or my townhouse.
Or Banks' apartment.

476
00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:12,360
Actually,
maybe just call first.

477
00:19:12,443 --> 00:19:14,654
See you when I see you.

478
00:19:14,737 --> 00:19:16,405
Non.

479
00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:20,368
Non. Napoleon.

480
00:19:20,451 --> 00:19:22,662
Hey. I, uh --
I think that's how

481
00:19:22,745 --> 00:19:24,330
he would've wanted
to go out...

482
00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:25,998
torn and trampled
on the battlefield.

483
00:19:26,082 --> 00:19:27,708
Also, all of you
are under arrest

484
00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:29,543
and banned
from this country forever.

485
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:34,173
Julia, get me the files on that
new Marseille real estate deal.

486
00:19:35,383 --> 00:19:36,717
This is Marc Luc de Burgeron.

487
00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:38,636
Hey.
It's President Curtis.

488
00:19:38,719 --> 00:19:41,305
Just wanted to let you know,
your interest in American land

489
00:19:41,389 --> 00:19:43,766
has been noted
and rejected.

490
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:46,727
But there is still a piece of
American land France can have.

491
00:19:46,811 --> 00:19:48,104
Yeah?
Yeah.

492
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:49,772
My ass.
You can eat it.

493
00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:52,441
As long
as my people are cooking,

494
00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:54,527
your ass will be
a culinary treat.

495
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,570
Yeah, right.
My ass is 10 times tougher

496
00:19:56,654 --> 00:19:57,988
than anything
you've ever eaten.

497
00:19:58,072 --> 00:20:00,449
Well, I intend to soak it
in butter.

498
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:01,992
That'll just make it slippery.

499
00:20:02,076 --> 00:20:03,661
And you can't slip your way out
of a mouth full of me.

500
00:20:03,744 --> 00:20:04,995
Ooh-kay, sir!

501
00:20:05,079 --> 00:20:06,372
Selling past the close!

502
00:20:06,455 --> 00:20:08,374
There he is!
The man of the hour.

503
00:20:08,457 --> 00:20:09,959
How you feeling, Chomps?

504
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,712
Well, I mean, I died,
so I'm in that club now.

505
00:20:12,795 --> 00:20:14,588
It's an adjustment
for all of us, Chomps.

506
00:20:14,672 --> 00:20:16,590
- Post-battle hot wing, anyone?
- You sure?

507
00:20:16,674 --> 00:20:18,050
I thought
we couldn't handle them.

508
00:20:18,134 --> 00:20:20,136
Well, sir,
today I learned it's wrong

509
00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:21,679
to make assumptions
about people.

510
00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:23,723
So I made enough wings
for everyone.

511
00:20:23,806 --> 00:20:24,682
Yes!
Hell yeah!

512
00:20:24,765 --> 00:20:25,808
Alrighty.

513
00:20:27,435 --> 00:20:29,019
Oh, my God.
These are terrible.

514
00:20:29,103 --> 00:20:31,063
Yeah, maybe stop trying
to make the wings a symbol

515
00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:33,274
of how far you've come
and just add less cayenne.

516
00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:36,277
I have
a heavy pour.

517
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:39,739
There goes my GERD.

518
00:20:41,031 --> 00:20:43,409
Oh, we have fun!

519
00:20:44,368 --> 00:20:49,248
♪ How much for Louisiana? ♪

520
00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:51,751
♪ Just name your price ♪

521
00:20:51,834 --> 00:20:55,796
♪ Vampires
tryin' to be invited ♪

522
00:20:55,880 --> 00:21:00,426
♪ Stole a penis from a jar ♪

523
00:21:00,509 --> 00:21:02,553
♪ Voulez Voo Doo ♪

524
00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:07,850
♪ Je m'appelle soapy balls ♪